What Alan Did & What Alan Did Next

A Naked Triffid

Things happen to me - well, they happen to everybody; the only difference is that I write them down when they happen to me. Cross my heart and hope to die, every single story below is true and every incident took place exactly as described.

Of course - that hasn't stopped me putting my own peculiar slant on things. In the immortal words of Spike Milligan; "I've jazzed it up a little bit".

The latest stories are at the top of the list. The further down the list you go, the older the stories get.


The stories can be read here or you can download them for your later reading pleasure:

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Triffid Tales 1998-2021 as EPUB as MOBI as PDF

These articles are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Water, Water Everywhere    
Yours Drooly There's A Moose Loose Aboot This Hoose What a Treat!
Love in the Time of the Covid Loed of the Flies In Memoriam - Anthony Phillip Mann (August 1942 - September 2022)
Jake Gets Goosed Covid-19 Vaccinations - Anti-Virus Software For The Body Vroom! Vroom!
The Birthday Present Covid-19 Let's All Be Frank About This
Five Washing Up Blues The Suck Fairy
Christmas Celebrations Pick a Peck of Pakowhai The Coolest Thing Ever!
Preparing For The Flood Gilbert Goes Outside I Thunk, Therefore I am Locked
Fifty Years of Alan The Dawning of the Days of Gilbert The Logic of Cats
The Super Blue Blood Moon of 2018 Harpo 2003-2018 'Ear, 'Ear, 'Ear...
Bess 2002-2017 The Toby That Had No Jug A Fence For All Seasons
The Internet Is Much Smaller Than You Think It Is May The Circuit Be Unbroken Once Upon A Time...
Hippo Birdy Two Ewe 'Ear, 'Ear - wot's all this then? Flee, Fly, Flo, Flum
The Man Who Didn't Do Tarzan of the Apps Jane of the Apps
x Marks the Spot Twenty-One What's in a Name?
The Emergency Bone The Locked Door It's Not A Bug, It's A Creature
Dog Day Lunchtime Mr Jake's Diary Alan and the Pensive Pension
Summer Four Dog Tails  Alan Had A Leak 
Fast - Faster - Fastest This Is Not A Story Under Pressure
Food, Drink and Toys Jake and His Rope - A Sad and Poignant Tail That was the year that was
Alan Becomes An Old Age Pensioner The Man Who Was Tuesday The Jake's Progress
A Game Of  Phones The Day Of The Cat Astrophe A Road By Any Other Name...
Alarums and Excursions Alan and the Painter Man Look Back In Tranquillity
Alan On Board Early Morning Logic Underwear of the Goddesses
Alan And Robin Throw Stuff Away Alan and Robin Meet the Ghost in the Machine Alan and the Wet Spot
Heads With Tales Humbug! Wot Alan And Robin Did On Their Hols
Alan's Adventures With Arthropods Alan Mixes Water And Electricity And Survives Dag Day Afternoon
More Rubbish Soothing Savage Breasts Alan Upgrades His Unmentionables
No Flies On Robin Flushing Alan Rubbish!
Alan And The Change Of Life Worming Robin Summoned By Shoes
Alan Stays In A Hotel Lurgi Strikes Alan Tooth Is Stranger Than Friction
Alan Eats A Toad Alan And The Restaurant Fly Alan And The Clockwork Man
Alan And The Weather Bomb Alan And Robin Have A Holiday Looking Backward From The Year 2012
Eat, Drink, Be Merry And Watch TV Alan Pegs Out Guarding The Garage
Alan And The Bag Ladies Alan Alone Sparkly
Beer And Just Desserts One Cat, Two Cats, Black Cat, Tabby Cat Alan And Robin Go Troppo
Toast Observations To Cook Or Not To Cook? That Is The Question...
Alan Has Visions We Can't Take You Riding In Our Car Car Porgy
In Which We Are Conventional In Which Alan Travels In Time Alan And Robin Re-Fuse
In Which We Discover A New Way Of Reading iThought iSaw A Shiny Jughead
Looking Back In Anger Alan And The Bureaucrats The Garden City - So Called
Three Cat Tails Tidings Of Comfort And Joy A Storm In A Teacup
When It Changed Forever Sleeves So Hotel
In Which Alan Geeks Varsity Vignettes Snot
Alan And Robin Go South The Fone Of Bafut In Which Alan And Robin Widen Their Intertubes
In Which Our Eyeballs Go Oblong The Customer Is Always Wrong In Which Bits Of A House Are Painted
In Which We Fall Down Stairs And Rip Up A Weed
In Which We Go Knitting And Breed Some Bacteria
In Which We Sit In A Box, Fly To Australia And Make A Phone Call
Autobiographical Interlude skool daze The Graunch That Didn't Steal Christmas
Harpo Gets A Hair Cut Soothing The Savage Breast Robin Flies West
Alan And Robin Go Overland Alan Gets A Toy Robin Gets Cut Up
Alan Gets Crowned Coaching Days Robin And The House Of Blue Lights
Alan And The Fungi From Yuggoth Alan Goes Screwing Alan And Robin Dry Out
Alan And Robin Go Bush Alan And Robin Get In Hot Water Alan And Robin Go North
Old Hundredth Alan And The Tooth Fairy Alan And Robin Break Christmas
AIDS Memoires Is This A Record? The Haul Of The Mountain King
Alan Has An Adventure Alan Goes To Dinner Weird Topologies
The Flight Of The Humble Me 3G Alan Alan And The White House
Harpo On The Roof Warrant Of Fitness Alan And Robin And Their Car
Alan And The Toaster Alan And His Laughter Alan And His Windows
Alan At The Charge Alan In The Pink Alan And The Empty Money Box
Alan And Robin Catch A Train Alan And Robin Get Married Alan Stays At Home
Alan Goes Squelch Them's The Breaks A Purple Box For Alan And Robin
Alan Flies Undone The Silence Of The Harpo Things I Have Learned This Month
Alan and Robin Unpack The Joy of Socks Alan and Robin Get Adopted
Alan And Robin Get Wet Monarch of the Road Twisting By The Pool
Alan and the Ultimate Secret Morning Beelzebub Down Under
Alan and Robin Lose Their Spark Alan and the Culture Clash Alan and the Auto-Self-Destructing Class
Water Hotel AKL
Alan And Robin Take A Trip Alan And Robin Have Guests  Alan And His Things 
Milopuss Ipsissimus Mother Out Law's Tongue Gremlins
Paradise Revisited Borering Alan and Robin Go Shopping
Hairy School Days The Natural History of the Triffid
Greatness Don't Dilly Dally On The Way You CAN Get the Wood You Know
Alan Buys a New Toy Don't Bank On It Alan Buys A House
Roads Trash Milo and the Lump
The Flaw Beneath My Feet Alan And The Vein Attempt Tales of a Travelling Man
Living in a Kafka Novel Heartache The Hunting of the Mark
Three Feet Six Inches (Slimline) The Unkindest Cut of All Early Warning Systems
Squashy Memories of Melbourne Enigmatic Variations
Spelling Bonce Geography
Scunthorpe Tagine Alan and the Exploding Woman
Snap, Crackle, Pop Warrantable Risks


Head Games How to Recognise a Student

Diatribe On Language

Bodily Functions Journey Milo and the Burglars
In the Wet Transport The Eyes Have it